i woke up a few mornings ago with a mondo zit on my chin and another one on my left temple. i found this completely disconcerting as i am now a twenty-four year old semi-adult who took acne medication for years in her teens in order to prevent things like this from ever happening. the appearance of an unwanted blemish is to make a mockery of the years of saturday mornings i spent in blood pathology labs at the crack of dawn, waiting alongside henderson's most feeble senior citizens, in order to prove something i already knew: no i wasn't pregnant and yes i could have my next month's accutane prescription.
to add insult to injury, even after my diligent efforts with a too-expensive facial cleanser from origins and clean-and-clear's oil sucking persa-gel, i woke up today with three new white-headed-demons cursing my face. i didnt sleep much last night and already hated my life, so the presence of five not-so-subtle pimples scattered about my grill didn't really make the morning any better for me.
how is it that a zit...something smaller than a dime...can completely ruin a girl's day? i mean seriously? zits kill me...zits and bloating. when i am bloated i want to hide under my covers all day because the prospect of trying on everything i own in order to find something baggy enough to hide the upsetting roundness of my belly is too terrifying to consider. this is why i don't think i'll ever get pregnant. i wont be able to handle getting fat.
hope tells me all the time that she can't wait for me to be a mommy. she's been telling me this for something like six years now. she rambles on and on about how i will be so patient and good with the little buggers, i will spend my life in devotion to them, and i will love them with all of my heart...blah blah blah. she will continue to sing my everlasting praises until the intoxicating fumes rising off her never-ending supply of optimism so overwhelm her that her voice jumps an octave as a result of some kind of weird excitement-induced overload and her words become inaudible to anyone incapable of picking up frequencies likened to those produced by a dog-whistle.
i appreciate her faith in me, really i do, but what i think hope fails to realize is that i'm far too vain to carry a baby. the idea of my stomach sticking out so far that i can't see my flip-flops is insanely distressing. if i have to choose between being preggo and wearing a size 6...i pick the size 6. say what you will about the miracle of life and how none of the bad stuff like morning sickness and midnight pickle cravings matter when compared with the joy of raising a child... i'm not buying it. i went to europe this summer and gained five pounds. i feel the extra chub every time i move and i hate the way my clothes fit now and i cringe inside every time i sit down and realize my thighs are bigger than they were three months ago. i can feel the extra fat sit like sludge on the chair and it makes me flinch as i think about how much i can work out over the next week in an attempt to remedy the situation.
in college, i lived off cheese quesadillas and animal style fries. it was hard work losing the extra fifteen pounds i put on while i was in school and no one, not even my potential future child is gonna get in the way of me keeping it off. call me what you want, but i do not want to reproduce. i have no problem with kids...it's pregnancy i can't be bothered with.
Love it Syd. You're hilarious and I can agree with you on many points. I loved pregnancy and I loved not being able to see my feet during the last couple of months. Everyone is so sweet to you and will carry your groceries out and serve the way we all should be serving every day.
ReplyDeleteNow that I still can't see my feet and my thighs touch each other and my baby is 3 months old (a result of listening to all those patronizing non-friends who swore it was okay to eat that extra cookie because I was pregnant)...yuck. The 25 pounds you're supposed to gain in pregnancy is worth it. The additional 15 pounds after? Not so much. Oh yeah, and the people aren't as nice. Sad.
Humm, yea, guess I never really thought much about the weight gain, it's the pain that's always turned me away from wanting to be pregnant. That's some scary stuff! and if that's not enough, being a pre school teacher is wonderfull birth control as well. =)
ReplyDelete- mo
hey sydleigh . . . you could get preg and do like i did - just throw up your guts for 8 mos. having "morning sickness" for the entire term of your pregnancy does wonders to keep your weight-gain to a minimum. as a matter of fact, i LOST about 12 lbs. before i ever gained an oz. my total gain was a whopping 21 lbs. and over 9 of that turned out to be your cousin!!
ReplyDeleteoh, i forgot one negative from the experience . . . i think i lost my waistline about month 6 and i'll be darned if i ever found it again -- and that 9 lb. 4 oz. baby is now 40 years old. BUMMER!